HOW TO START A FIGHT

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

 

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. 

 

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,  "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

________________________________

Another year is ending, and I'm not making any resolutions for the new one.  I've never been good about keeping resolutions.  I just want to wish you all much love, health, happiness, peace and contentment in 2012. 

Happy New Year everyone....and NO fighting.  ~Joy xo   

Comments

[Beverly]

What a way to start my day...what a laugh! Happy New Year to you too, dear Joy.

[Roberta Smith]

Too funny, Joy. Totally enjoyed reading these. 'Tis a glad thing to discover how silly fights can be or become.

[Kay Dennison]

LOL I love it!!!

[Cop Car]

Joy--Thanks for the laughs. I no longer make resolutions, either. To paraphrase one of your fight-makers (above): I have about 50 years worth of resolutions that I haven't yet kept, so why make new ones?

[Tara R.]

Thanks for sharing these funnies. There are a few I might even use.

[Nancy]

Thanks for the great laughs, Joy.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you and your lovely family a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

[Hattie]

Happy New Year! And let's hope it's a good one.

[cassieb1@gmail.com]

Happy New Year.

I loved all those "fight" stories. Thanks for the chuckle.

[Peter]

Thanks for the laugh Joy.