The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years.......just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The Unpublished Books of Dr. Seuss
A Bad Day at Hallmark
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
C ongratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad you picked a loser.
How could two people as beautiful as you
have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin them for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Take this knife out of my back…
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Kentucky & West Virginia. May apply in Arkansas too.)
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.
W hen we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time...
let's just say we stop?
I 'm so miserable without you;
it's almost like you're still here.
C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Y our friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep. Surprise!
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
….when you care enough to send the very best!