Hello my sweet girls. Is there a day when you both aren't on my mind? I haven't had one yet. Now with your birthday only a few short days away my mind wanders back over the years, as mother's minds do.
Sitting here, in what used to be YOUR room, transformed into MY computer/guest room where I spend so many hours of my day; there's still so much of YOU to be seen here. I've managed to clear out drawers and clothes long ago to make room for things I may need; but I just can't let go of the pictures, mementos, awards and such. I think you'll have to seriously help me with that one of these days ladies. The problem is....we never find the time to do it. When you come to visit, we absorb every moment of your visits doing other things. There's not usually a moment to spare for such luxuries as going through all the wonderful past nostalgia of your lives. We all know that once we get started, we don't know what kind of journey it could take us on....or how long. So, here I sit with it ALL. You know I have it. You know it's safe. It might as well be in Fort Knox.
I'm sitting here in YOUR old room...missing you, and all that you were...and all that you are. Maybe that's why I spend so much of my time here....I actually feel better.
I feel exactly the same today as when I wrote this poem back in the early 90's when you girls were away at college and I felt the pinch of your absence for the first time. All these years later; your lives so different in every way from those days back then.....one a mother, women's history professor and author on the east coast....the other a writer, entrepreneur and co-founder of a women's internet company on the west coast. My heart is full of love and pride for you both beyond belief. You have given me such joy in my life...no parent could ever hope to ask for more. You are a constant source of inspiration, beauty and light for me; and I count my blessings every day for having both of you and your older sister and younger brother in my life.
The Room
So strange to sit in peaceful thought
among the memories you have made.
The bits and pieces of your past;
Your loving face is here today.
It’s there each time I walk inside;
In each direction that I turn;
A daily fix, a rush of love,
a potent dose is what I yearn.
When was it that this room became
a haven for a heavy heart?
I’ve known it in such busy days;
when as rooms go, it did its part.
It welcomed loving friends inside,
and held its weight in laughs and tears;
And now it soothes a mother’s thoughts
of child days and baby years.
Of years when daughters came and went,
and mothers had their little chats.
The host of hours that were spent
on loving hugs and sister spats.
When holding session in the room
became the ladies’ thing to do;
To clear the air and find the cure
through laughs and tears ‘til we were through.
Inside this room where you became
the special being that you are;
With priceless gifts you nurtured well…
A mother’s child; a brilliant star.
In this room, you’re there for me.
I hold you tightly every day.
This room where you will ever be…
You’re never gone; you’re just away.
Joy
So you've been away...and periodically you return, and I love that...and I see that you do too. I hope you always feel that way....that HOME is always HOME. That's important to me. Letting you both leave my little world was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...especially since I was letting go of two of you. Thank God your older sister and your brother had enough sense to stay right here in the area, or Lord knows what kind of withdrawal symptoms I'd be having by now. As it is I still get my teary twin moments here and there, but it helps that we talk on the phone all the time.
I found this poem a while ago that I think says it all. I wish I would have had it when you first went out on your own....and afterward. It might have bolstered me during some 'empty nest' times.
Mother
Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me
With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.
Before I was myself you made me, me,
And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.
For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.
by Dimitri Shostakovich
So Happy Birthday coming up on June 16th my sweet Gemini Girls...Julie & Jory....with more love and pride than you could ever imagine. May you always have health and happiness....and everything else will follow. Oh yes, and may you be kissed by the angels as you were the day you were born..... Love, Mom ~xo
